A Psychologist Explains Why Couples Engage In ‘Deceptive Affection’

Have you ever said “I love you” out of habit, when you weren’t fully feeling it? Or told your partner you had an amazing time in bed when the experience was average? This is called “deceptive affection” and, according to a 2013 study, couples engage in it about three times a week.

Deceptive affection involves communicating a level of affection that does not match what one is truly feeling at the moment. It consists of “intensified affection,” referring to outwardly expressing more affection than one feels and “withheld affection," which involves holding back genuine feelings of affection, such as being hesitant to express love early in a relationship to avoid scaring the other person away.

Here are two reasons why people engage in deceptive affection.

Deceptive affection is often employed as a temporary strategy to maintain the stability and well-being of a relationship. According to the 2013 study, individuals may engage in deceptive affection to keep their valued partner happy, encourage reciprocal affection and amplify their own positive perception of the relationship. Researchers suggest that affectionate words and actions—even if not always entirely authentic—create closeness and support, enhancing relational bonds.

“Affection exchange theory proposes that individuals have a range of tolerance for affection, anchored by their minimum need and maximum threshold for affection. Perhaps deceptive affection messages are expressed because a communicator’s range of tolerance is violated, and deceptive expressions allow for management of that violation,” the researchers explain, indicating that it is natural to not feel intensely in love at all times and it does not necessarily mean that the overall love for one’s partner has diminished.

However, deceptive affection could indicate momentary dissatisfaction with the relationship and individuals may deceive to avoid conflict and maintain peace, viewing it as a functional way to navigate relationship challenges while minimizing harm.

Additionally, a 2019 study pointed out distinctions in the use of deceptive affection in different relationship dynamics. Withholding affection is more common in friends with benefits relationships rather than in romantic relationships, potentially to hide unrequited feelings that could end the relationship.

“Given the heightened commitment and genuine affection in romantic relationships and cross-sex friendships, individuals in these relationships may withhold affection to protect or save face of their relational partner, whereas friends with benefits relationships may withhold affection more for the sake of saving their own face,” the researchers explain.

On the other hand, intensified and insincere displays of affection in friends with benefit relationships are usually linked to a desire to initiate sexual activity rather than fostering a genuine emotional connection.

Individuals sometimes fib or exaggerate their feelings as a “mate retention tactic,” to save relationships they are afraid to lose. A 2023 study found that individuals engage in an instinctive, internal cost-benefit analysis before using such affection, as the benefits of retaining their relationship outweighs the potential costs of being deceptive, such as the possibility of their partners uncovering the deception, possible conflict or personal guilt.

Researchers highlighted that when a partner is highly valued, more deceptive affectionate messages are used to maintain this bond rather than with partners who are not as valued. Further, when a relationship with a highly significant partner is threatened, the frequency of deceptive affection increases and subsequently decreases when the threat is resolved.

A 2019 study also found that individuals employ deceptive affection when they fear the risk of their partner being unfaithful. They also use “cost-inflicting mate retention” approaches to keep their partners from leaving, which is associated with lower relationship satisfaction. Such behavior may include being overly possessive, wanting to constantly know their whereabouts, trying to make them jealous or monopolizing their free time. Here, deceptive affection is a manipulative tactic guided by a self-serving goal.

To cultivate a healthy relationship, maintaining self-awareness and intentional communication is crucial. It is vital to discern between fostering a consistently positive and supportive environment for a partner and sidestepping significant relational issues or using affection solely for personal gain.

Take the time to introspect on any instances of deceptive affection in your relationship. Consider the underlying motives behind these actions—whether they possibly stem from manipulation, genuine concern for your partner’s well-being or wanting to conceal and avoid negative emotions. Understanding your own deceptive affection is an important step in being more honest with yourself and building authentic and truly loving relationships.

False affection sometimes comes from a place of “lacking relationship control.” Take the Relationship Control Scale to learn more.